I stayed awake quite a long while last night doing writerly things. I felt practically virtuous as I ascended the stairs to my room and snuggled in with my honey.
And then the damned squirrels started their constant scratching, and I instantly felt the hottest bloom of desire to cause murder and mayhem that I have ever known.
Let me explain. We live in an old house on the edge of this over-grown garden, and this old house has a flat roof across the back, created to allow the former attic to become living space sometime in the 1960s. The previous owner fancied himself Bob Villa (he was really Tim Taylor), and incorrectly installed a flat roof after a hurricane. His faulty installation led to a costly replacement of the roof soon after we took occupancy, but also caused a great deal of wood rot. We couldn’t afford to address the rot right away. The squirrels saw their opportunity. They now seem to have built condos over our bedroom and are expanding into the hallway and bathroom. There’s an actual claw mark in the second bedroom ceiling.
There is now a hole in the fascia board RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW. They wave their furry tails in contempt as they parade in and out.
Every morning begins before dawn with one of us whacking at the ceiling with whatever we can to scare the fuckers off. (I warned you that I don’t write for children, didn’t I?)
Okay, so we know we have to get rid of them and repair the fascia board. For the moment, I’m interested in simply driving them out into the cold. Then I swear I’ll save money like a grown-up and have a repair crew come out to fix the fascia board.
But for now, I want the fuckers to suffer. I want their ears to bleed, and their sexual organs to wither up and fall off.
What I want to know is this: do I turn the stun gun all the way up before attaching it to the outside of my window, and should I wear camo and cover myself in fox urine when I do it?